I am going home tomorrow and I am not ready...but ready at the same time.
I don't want to return to parts of my crazy life in Hawaii..there is too much on my plate right now and I have no one to blame but myself. Well, that's not entirely true. I plan all the events in my life far enough in advance that they should not conflict or run into each other. However, what seems to happen is that other people do not plan as far in advance as I do and when they go to make their plans I get sucked into their madness...which in turn makes my life full.
Now I have to say that I have learned to tell people no and that I have learned to delegate, so that really isn't really the problem. What happens is that I have certain roles and positions in my life that require me to fufill certain obligations, whether I want to or not. So even in all my orgaization and struggle to plan so that I am not overloaded, other people and responsibilites crowd into my life.
I don't want to return to people not fulfilling their obligations or telling me to my face that I need to rest and delegate to others, but then those same people fail to complete or do what they are to do. If you were really that concerned for my health and wellness then you would offer more than lip service...you would put your money where your mouth is and do what you are suppose to do.
I hate that my siblings and I live in three different states....three on the east coast and me in Hawaii. I love them and wish that we could be more apart of each others lives and that our childen could know their aunts and uncles.
However, I do want to go home to my house...the one God has given me. Buffalo, NY is not somewhere where I would want to live.....I can't even explain the mindset of the people here.
I want to go home where I can send my kids out to play and have peace because they are on their turf and know what to do to amuse themselves. They had a great time here, but there is nothing like your own friends and room.
I really just want to crawl under the blankets and pull them over my head....
In the past week I have helped sift through my late grandfathers life, sell it, throw it away. I have come to realize that my parents are not going to live forever. I have received news that my husbands orders have been changed and we will be doing at least another year on the clownbus.
I could say I want my mommy...but I am here with her...so I know and I knew it before.....I want my Savior. There is a place inside of us where we hurt than no one outside of God can touch and heal. Even if our spouses, parents, friends, and children have the best intentions and attempt to assist us...there is a place that only God can touch.
So, my friends...I am going to switch my laundry, finish packing, and prepare to cry all the way accross the country and the ocean. I will probably cry for at least the next couple of weeks..that's what I do when I can't do anything else..I cry tears and I cry out to the only one who can heal me.
I will however, blog about the hail, thunder lightening, power outage, garage sale in the hurricane, and the trip to Six Flags...which really isn't a Six Flags anymore. Complete with pictures and hopefully some of my spunk!