Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The lessons of Parenting

Hmmmm........I was laying in the bed praying this morning and thinking about Zman. You see he is struggling with Dad being gone....always has. But he is 9 and its time for him to learn how to deal with disappointments and frustrations. Sure he needs those extra hugs and affirmations but he also needs to learn to deal with his emotions.

So the past couple of weeks Zach has been making really bad choices and acting very disrespectful.....all of which is a big switch from when dad first left...he was the one who I thought would get me through the tough spots with his love:) So, he is grounded until Jesus comes of his uncles has a meeting with him this week.

But this is what I began see Zman loves to play football and is on the Aplus football team. Today is a big game and he was told that if he behaved yesterday I would sign the permission slip for him to go. Well he was doing well...until I fell asleep and he snuck downstairs to his brothers room....AFTER I told him to stay in his room. Well mom discovered his error of judgement and now there will be no football game for him. He is really upset and has apologized and all that jazz....but I still won't let him play.

Then I began to think that I am like that with God. While this may shock some of you...haha....there are times I can be a hot mess! I struggle and I make bad choices, I don't always do what I am told and sometimes I do what I am told not to do (kinda sound like Paul here don't I?). But I still have the audacity to ask God to bless me. The thing with God is He forgets our sins and they are as far removed from us as the east is the west. Does this mean we do not have to deal with the consequences of our sins.....absolutely not....but more often than not God deals with us using grace and mercy.

So my point in this very early morning hour is this.....the next time you or I get frustrated dealing with the children that are ours....our friends and families imagine God's pain and frustration dealing with his......and how lovingly He handles it.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

One of those days.....

Did you ever have one of those days.......where you wish that instead of everyone withdrawing from you....that they would deposit something into you....even if it was just a smile....a smile would be better than a request?

That's where I am at today...and that's a dangerous place to be on only a ususally is a Thursday when I start asking myself this.

While nobody in my life in particularly seems that everyone in my life always needs something from me at the same time.....and they are not major things....just little requests that by themselves seem small....but when you add all of them together they seem massive. No one seeks to take from me on purpose and their requests are not done out of anything but obligation to complete the task before us...whatever it may be.

Now please don't misunderstand me....I have learned to say no to the ones that are not really for me....but the others I am obligated to fulfill.

Most days I just roll with the punches and go about my business with a joke and a smile....but every once and a while I have one of those days where there are insuffient funds for the withdrawal they are trying to make.

So then it falls to me to make my own deposit.....with prayer, praise, and the Word....for the joy of the Lord is my strength.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10(message Bible)

My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

So its my choice then where this day goes from here......................

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Being Real

Last night I spent the evening with 18 of some of the most awesome women of God I know.....

I have always been a believer that we as woman tend to keep ourselves and each other in bondage. Let me explain it for you....Sometimes I think that we feel like we have to let people think that we have it all together in life and not let them see reality. By allowing others to think we don't have any struggles or issues we give them the false idea that we are perfect....and as women we think like this....if so and so can do all that she does and not have the issues and struggles I have...then there has got to be soemthing wrong with me?!? So I then begin to think that I am alone in my struggles...while sister so and so sits in her house thinking she has to hide her struggles and that she is also alone.

In doing this we keep each other from getting free and living in victory. However, if I am honest about my life...yes........ there are days I don't like the Good Deacon (my hubby) or my kids, there are days when I feel like life is overewhelming me because I have too many things going on, my house is not always clean (hahaha), my budget is challenged, and yes I do struggle with negativity, frustration, bitterness, unforgiveness.....there are days I hate my hair....and calgone can not even begin to fix what ails me. If we are honest we will set each other free.

If you know my life is not perfect and that we all struggle, as a sister you are more likely to come to me when you struggle...because you know I am real...I won't judge you, I won't look down on you...I will open my arms.....hug you, pray with you.....and cry with you.

So this is a notice to all of you in SPITE of the fact that I am a leader, a Woman's Board member, marriage counselor, teacher, and wife of a Senior Chief/Deacon..............I struggle.....but I do not fall and I am not defeated!

Reason number 1......I am a child of the King.....and if you have the mind of cannot lose it...because Christ in all His suffering never lost His He will help you keep yours.

Reason number 2...because I have surrounded myself with women who celebrate me....who hold me up when I too weak to stand on my own....who I can be real with!

So back to those 18 women I spent last night with....we had a time of fellowship that was God ordained. I planned a ladies night...and God had plans for us. We came thinking it would be a time of eating, laughing and games. We did eat and we did laugh...but we also bonded on another level. God had the ladies sit in a circle and had me ask them to answer these questions one by one as we went around the circle.....

1. What do you like about yourself?

2. What do you wish you could change about yourself?

I will tell you I was nervous....I knew God wanted those questions asked...they came to me plain as day...but I wasn't sure how they would be received...but He did. God moved in such a subtle and amazing way...loosening the chains that bound us...showed is that that we all struggle with issues on one level or another....many of them the same...many of them in our past....and many of them that affect our relationships. We laughed and we cried....but most of all we were real.

I thank God for the women He has placed in my life and I am grateful for the work He has begun......

Saturday, April 26, 2008

The Sounds of Silence

I am beside myself I have no idea what to is 8:31 on Saturday morning and there is complete silence in my home...............................Becca spent the night at a friends house and Sylvia picked Zman up for dance practice and I don't have to be at the church until noon! There will be no arguing for at least the next 4-6 hours!!!!

I plan on turning the stereo on, finishing my laundry, cleaning my bathroom and bedroom, and showering to head out to the Barbers Point Commissary.....all in complete silence.

God has smiled on me today:)

Friday, April 25, 2008

Good Bye Friend.... yesterday was the two month anniversary of my hysterectomy. It has taken me this long to find the time and energy to write this blog. I began preparing for it even before the surgery....I took pictures to share:)
When I first was told that a hysterectomy was the best option for me I said NO...I don't have time, I don't like pain, I don't have time....I have lived with it for this long....I can live with it. So I took a pass and walked away.
Well, three months later I realized that it was something I had to have done. The pain and heaviness of my monthlies was sometimes debilitating to the point where I could not get out of bed.
So I called my Doctor and we set it up. While I didn't run around and shout it from the roof top, the people I did tell always said (with sympathy) I am so sorry. My response was why? I was excited! I really have no need for a uterus, I have four children and plan on having no more...the goldfish was pushing it in my eyes! Why would I walk around in pain and suffer when I didn't have to?
You may ask where did this sudden change of heart come from...well...God. I remember laying in my bed crying because the vicoden and rioxecet where not working. I cried out to God and I suddenly knew with assurity that I was to have the hysterectomy. I had peace about the whole thing...complete peace.
God even used the hysterectomy to show me things on the spiritual side. A In January I had been asked to speak at a woman's meeting in March. In our February meeting God moved in such a powerful way (props to my sister Gina and her allowing the Spirit of God to use her) that He changes my whole message....only I didn't know to what level it had changed. I knew the topic had changed and some of the content....but not the biggest part of it. At this point I did not know I would be having the hysterectomy.
Three days later the hysterectomy was scheduled to be a week and a half before my message was to be delivered. I asked God if I should ask them to find someone else to speak....He said no you will speak and you will use the hysterectomy in your message as a example.
My topic was "Rise Above" and dealt with rising above those things that the enemy has meant to be stumbling blocks......offenses that other people have committed against you, strongholds in your life, sin, illness....ect.
God showed me and allowed me to share that sometimes in the spiritual we have these things that we struggle with and we want them to go away....but we have learned to live with it. Much like my rebellious uterus...I wanted the pain and the heaviness to go away...but I kept claiming I didn't have time and that it was alright I could live with it. But I didn't have to live with was my choice. Its the same thing with the things in our spiritual life...God can and will heal us...He can and will life the burden...but we have to make the choice to allow Him...just like I had to make the choice to allow the doctor and the surgery be vessels to heal me.
So I did speak at the woman's meeting and the only way I can explain it is that it was like an out of body experience....I felt no pain...and I stood for an hour...felt nothing. God was able to speak to me and the woman He had ordained to be there.
I had so much fun with my hysterectomy...I chose to celebrate it and not mourn. My doctor got a kick out of me...I even told him about my Eulogy which read as such:
Today we say goodbye to To a dear friend........She has been with me since birth and we have always been close.....She was there for me as I carried my four....might I add very large babies....7.13, 9.1, 8.1, and 10.1 pound babies. She cooperated with the Lord as he allowed me to get pregnant 4 times...something my current doctor is saying is a miracle.....She stood by me as I swung from one mood to the other...whether it was her fault or not...Even though she caused me great pain and suffering most of my adult life....cramps, bloating...the whole nine yards she served her family well......Tomorrow I say goodbye to my uterus.........Urmaline....may she rest in peace....As her passing allows me to ......go shopping for cute panties stay away from pamprin, motrin, kotex, always and all those cliquish free from pain and suffering....AND hopefully she will weigh in somewhere around 2 pounds to put me that much closer to my weight loss goal.........May she rest in peace..................
I made Mellie take pictures of me in the commissary for the last time in the Woman's Hygiene isle (much to my daughters horror...but Mellie and I laughed soooo hard...laughter is excellent medicine)......

Thursday, April 24, 2008


Perseverance...this came up this week on a forum I belong to in reference to the book of James in the Bible.....and what did I think it meant. So this was my answer......The ability to stay focused on what God has called me to do...regardless of what comes at me or how I feel....knowing that Jesus had to persevere on the cross so that I can be saved, healed, delivered, and set free from sin......even though He and His Father knew I would have to repent alot and sadly sometimes lose focus and forget how did He persevere on the cross.

So today this is what it means to me....the ability to stay focused on the fact that I will survive the next couple of months with my husband gone and my teenagers will grow up and move out someday. To remain on the path of sanity and not insantity as I work 13 hour days......I continue to press onward as I recover from a third biospy yesterday...that the next dose of Motrin is just moments not cry as I drive up Fort Weaver Rd to Walmart to buy my 16 year old daughter what she needs for the final cheerleader tryouts tomorrow...knowing that I will have to turn around and sit in all that traffic.....and listen my two middle children call me and argue about pickle jars and blankets......all while my stomach is cramping up and my head is pounding.

I am tired I want to give up ...I want to CRY...I want to eat chocolate ice cream...oh yeah I ate it all last night for dinner and then proceeded to spend the night throwing up from either the biopsy or the meds taken from the pain of the biopsy.

I cannot understand how some people can continue to withdraw from my bank when they see.....that I am exhausted...mainly my children.....want give want give.....that's all they have for me. I want just one day where they get along......that's what I tell them I want for Mothers Day every year....and they think I am kidding........hello today I would sell one of my kidney's for peace and quiet.

You may be asking yourself ...third did I miss the first two. Well I have been meaning to catch my blog up....but now I will have to do it, as to not keep you in suspense.....tomorrow or Saturday.