Thursday, February 12, 2009

In Honor of the Upcoming Anniversary of My Hysterectomy.....

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company > Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph...

Dear Mr. Thatcher,I have been a loyal user of your 'Always'maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features.Why, without the Leak Guard Coreor Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never gohorseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear ofrunning up and down thebeach in tight, white shorts..

But my favorite feature has to be yourrevolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smartenough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. Ican't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's alittle F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr.Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't.Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I canalready feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just afew minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed intowhat my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-HygieneDivision, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactlyhappens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping weendure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, andout-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for mostwomen. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violenturge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grilljust because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written bydrunken chimps.Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people mustrealize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capripants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping sopainful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, Iopened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you freaking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrualperiod? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?Well, did it, James?FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freakgirl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which youhave to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with ahunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man!If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't itmake more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Putdown the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Departmentthat, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthlyprofits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere.And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for oneminute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promiseI will keep.

Wendi AaronsAustin,
T XPC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for bestwebmail-award- winning letter

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