I’m trying to practice what I preach… I REALLY am:)
Here’s the deal I am speaking this Saturday at our church’s annual Mothers Day conference. I had my outline all finished and handed in, the title “Being a Women of Godly Influence”. That’s a pretty solid and interesting topic and I thought I was ready.
So Monday and Tuesday morning I woke up crying and praying. I knew I was off somewhere in my walk with God I just couldn’t figure it out. So I was ironing Tuesday morning and it hit me….I had lost my trust in God. How did that happen? How does someone who has been walking with God for as many years as I have lose their trust in God?
Well, it was one of those slow processes…so slow that you don’t even realize and would never imagine it happening. I could see how it could happen if suffered a devastating loss or disappointment. But it was not that. It seems that over the past several years I have allowed the small disappointments to pull me away from trusting God and pushed me to relying on my own understanding…..yes you all know where that got me…..further away from God.
At some point fear and anxiety replaced trust and faith. I have spent the last two years waking up with my heart beating a mile a minute with fear of what disappointment would come my way. The disappointments I faced were not huge…the GeoBatch tour was awful, but we survived. The adjustable mortgage which almost caused us to lose our house was painful, but God fixed it and make it affixed rate and is working on getting us a lower rate.
The hysterectomy was no biggie, I was just disappointed that my husband had to leave less than two weeks afterwards. AND that my business partner did not take into consideration the fact that I had just had major life changing surgery when we went to work at the preschool.
I think the preschool process is what did it to me….beginning in 2005 we stumbled and fumbled through one faith test after another, until we finally opened in 2008. Had I stayed at my job where I was making good money I would not have gone through the financial difficulties I did…but I left in what I thought was faith.
From the time we opened there was strain and stress over the finances of the school. And today over a year later the school is still struggling. Even in this God made a way for me to leave and He gave me a job that pays well and that I really enjoy. He is an awesome God!!!
So, you see I allowed the disappointments of life to wear at my faith and trust in God until it was so weak that I allowed it to fail at every turn…I did not trust God completely as I should have. Instead I relied on my own methods of economics and math, I relied on what I thought I had to get our family out of the financial mess we were in…EVEN though I had seen God destroy the debt in our lives before…I chose to rely on my own understanding because of fear and doubt.
I had to change my message to “Misplaced Distrust” What happens when distrust becomes part of your relationship with God?
So….I am trying to practice what I preach…I have applied for four jobs in the past week (I love my current job….but I can make so much more and be in a position where advancement is available, unlike my current job) I have to trust that if God has designed for me to have these positions, the door will be wide open and I will walk through.
For those of you who won’t be there Saturday….you just received an over view of my message…..for those of you who will….pray for me and make sure you come hear what God has done in meJ