My Anchor

My current life situation has me feeling a bit adrift and since I have been meaning to write about the anchor’s symbolism for some time, today seems like as good a day as any to delve into this blog.

For many years the anchor has been a symbol of honor, courage, and commitment in my life.  It has symbolized the way we have committed to serving and living.  However, recently as I have begun to contemplate a tattoo (perhaps a mid-life crisis) the anchor has been the choice I keep coming back to.  I have considered going completely CPO in my theme, but for some reason I have shied away from making that move. 

Several recent experiences have left me feeling a bit like I was being tossed around in the water and I began to think of the anchor in a different light.  I began to see the anchor as a tool used to keep you from drifting and being destroyed in the storm, as a place of safety and security.

There have been many times in my husbands naval career that I have fought to stay grounded and sought refuge from the storm crashing around me.  I will never forget the day I found out my husbands submarine had been on its way out of the Gulf, when she was turned around and sent back in.  The end of an already long seven month deployment, homecoming, and the ships safety had been within arms reach, and then it was taken.  That morning at early Morning Prayer, our Pastor taught a lesson on Proverbs 24:10 If you faint in the day of adversity, Your strength is small. This scripture immediately sunk into my spirit and gave me the will and strength to fight to stay afloat for my own sanity and the well-being of my children. 

There have been several times since then that I have clung to this scripture, refusing to have small strength because I felt that if my strength was indeed small I would fail those who were depending on me to keep it together, those who were looking at me for answers.  Fear that if I gave into the feelings of despair and let my strength be weak, I may never return.

Where did the strength come from, you may ask?  It came from my relationship with God, from my faith that He was in control of the situation and all I had to do was remain strong and focused on what He had told me, versus focusing on the chaos around me. He must be my anchor; He must be the shelter in the storm.

So, I have decided that my tattoo will indeed be the fouled naval anchor, but rather than honor, courage, and commitment it will say, “Refuse to Sink” and this will be a constant reminder that my strength will not be weak in my days of adversity, as long as I make sure that the anchor which keeps me safe from the storm is God.  

The Reality of Living With Teenage Sons

I am giving you a warning before you push the play button.  This video clip is completely unsuitable for children and people who cannot deal with vulgarity and yes a little nudity.  However, this is the reality of living with two grown sons...which is completely unsuitable for any sane parent, never mind a mom who is at least a foot shorter than both her sons...who must deal with insanity such as this on her own.

I promise you there are days when I can't beleive the insanity of their words and actions, throw in the lack of any rational thought with alot of physical action and the result is unbelievable.  Tonight the arguement was about who was going to sit at the breakfast bar, because apparently the six foot long space is not big enough for both of them.  So as the arguement progressed  I heard the cries of," MOMMMMM"  I made a choice to ignore my very large toddlers who are arguing over the breakfast bar...I am not going down that road tonight.  Next thing I know they are each trying to tattle that the other one mooned them...and then comes the flashing of their manhood at each other....all while telling me play by play what the other one is doing.  I finally snap and yell, " I don't care what body part you show each other...I DON"T CARE!!!!"

But the reality of it is that if I do not send them both to their room for the night or if I am not home, the scene will play out much like the hot mess in the video clip.  Where in the ham sandwhich does such irrational, competitive, craziness come from.  How do two supposed sane human beings think its ok to act like this?  How do two people who were raised by responsible morally sound people come to this?  They know better.

And I promise you it is a game to them...the aggravator takes great joy in terrorizing their victim. You can see the glee in their eye as the victim realizes that someone has touched their drum set, football, cleat,  earphones, cup, mouth guard...nothing is sacred.  The the victim then becomes the aggravator and the aggravator becomes the vicitm and has the nerve to be offended at the offense inflicted on him.  And the cycle continues.  One of them actually asked me if I was going to do something about what his brother just did and when I said no actually said to me, "You arent't going to do anything about it?"  My response was you just spent twently minutes aggravating him...how about we start with you!?!?!  And I walked away.

I am sorry if the video offends anyone, but seriously I have no words to explain the daily struggle of living with the two Marini brothers amd this video is the closest thing I have ever witnessed that even comes close.

Is it Homecoming time yet?!?!?!

I Have Gone Gangster!

Being the parent of teenagers is not a job for those weak at heart.  Your constant battle to ensure that they are making good life choices, while dealing with their evolving need to discover who they are a part from you, their parents, and the influence of their peers and society can exhaust you mentally and physically. 

Last night my youngest son accused me of bribery, because I reminded him that his attitude is directly linked to the purchase and delivery of the extra football equipment he desired.  He chooses to see my rewarding his good behavior as bribery, which tells me that without the rewards the behavior would be less than desirable. As I lay there trying to fall asleep, fuming that he just doesn’t get it, and pissed at his attitude concerning the direct linkage of attitude to rewards I went off the beaten path a bit. I began to think of famous mobsters and how my son would feel if I was a real old school mobster using bribery to exhort the behavior I wanted from him.

Being the history dork that I am I got up this morning and began Googling famous mobsters, and I stumbled upon a site that broke them down by geographical regions and cities.  So, with Rick being stationed on the USS Chicago my first stop was Chicago and boy did I hit the jackpot!  Chicago is where the world famous Al Capone ruled and raised havoc.

Capone is credited with being the smuggling and bootlegging of liquor during prohibition.  While I can’t honestly say that I have any bootlegging qualities I was drawn to Capone’s wide spread influence and ability to know what is going on in all areas of his territory, while never leaving his headquarters. Capone had moles which reported the goings on in the city to him. Although no conviction was ever made Capone was credited with the Saint Valentines Day Massacre in which several famous mobsters were shot down execution style in broad day light in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of the North Side of Chicago on Valentines Day in 1929.  Now, I chose to focus on the method behind the shooting rather than the actual violence.  You see, Capone’s men set up a look out or stake out if you will across the street from a warehouse to monitor their rivals activities. This allowed them to know what was going on with their rivals and coordinate the massacre.  This is what I would like to focus on, my ability to monitor and coordinate the shut down of any activity in the lives of my children that is undesirable.   While I wouldn’t call them moles or informants but living on a small military base in Guam and working for MWR and being married to a Chief of the Boat on the waterfront allows be to be in a position to gather information on what, where, and when my children are doing something.  Most often I do not have to solicit this information and it falls into my lap, allowing me to have a clear picture of what is going on with my children.  This also gives me an opportunity to ensure that those who have contact or influence over my children during the day are aware of my expectations.  Have I also mentioned that I can see Guam High from my office window and that several of the faculty and staff at the high school have children at my center?  Yes, I know all that happens with my children in Guam.  This influence also extends across the Pacific to my daughters, where there truly may be some type of mafia network involved, which will remain undiscussed to protect the innocent. Yes, I know what is going on over there in the land of Aloha; just call it the Capone in my history.

However, there was another mobster that I found to be more to my liking simply because he was smarter and less violent that the famous Capone. Fellow mobster Ricca said this of him, “"Accardo had more brains for breakfast than Capone had in a lifetime." Because of his wisdom, ability to stay under the radar, and even tempered personality he did minimal jail time and lived a much longer life than Capone. This would be Tony Accardo, known as Antonino or Joe Batters. Antonino rose from a petty thief to be Outfit Authority in 1972.  He is credited with saving Capone’s life more than once and is said to have taken part in the Saint Valentines Day massacre.  In his personal life he married and remained ever faithful to a Polish American girl and his grandson is Eric Kumerow who was drafted to NFL, these things right here endeared me to him, but his calm low profile and ability to get the job done were the real draw for me.

Known for his extortion abilities Antonino was able to make people do what he wanted.  This is the ability that I most desire and not for my own gain or evil purposes.  I don’t want this ability to rule the world or take things from others that do not belong to me, no; I want this ability to make my children make good choices, do what is asked of them the first time I ask and without any lip. 

And I use the opposite leverage than my pal Antonino used, I use positive reinforcement rather than the negative of broken knee caps.  I offer the land of milk and honey so to speak.  I offer the extra gifts and things that my children want.  The color coded gloves, cleats, socks, and extra football paraphernalia.  The extra cash to go to the movies, the extra cash to go to the mall, the extra electronic device, the things they don’t have to have, but seem to want.  This is what I offer for those who wish to fall prey to my extortion, those who wish to listen to my words the first time they come out of my mouth, for those who do what needs to be done before I ask, for those who are brave enough to clean up after themselves. I offer these things to the few, the proud, and the brave. I offer a life with no nagging or threats, a life without constant reminders to flush the damn toilet and to stop calling your brother names.  I offer the Mary Poppins of extortion to my children and they refuse the offer I have made and to me it’s an offer they can’t refuse.

According to dictionary.com, the definition that fits my type of bribery is the second version of the noun bribe which is, “anything given or serving to persuade or induce.” Now there is a first version which is the version my son implies that I am subjecting him to which is used to persuade the corruption of an individual, however, the version applicable to my form is the one which desires to persuade my children to make positive life choices.  So call me one who bribes son…I am in good company! 

Now….I just need a good mobster name….

Do You Have Poop In Your Pocket?

Have you ever thought that there was entirely too much drama and negativity in your life?  Have you ever looked for the source of that drama?  Was it an eye opening experience?  Did you discover some things about yourself?

Recently, I had this experience.  I was so over all the negativity and drama that I THOUGHT was created by others in my life.  I thought all the actions and dramatic Facebook status’s were the source of my frustration. ,that the rumors and the talk of the town started by others was the source.

However, as I began to dig a little deeper and really think about it, others are not responsible for the drama I allow into my life.  If I chose to allow those people to be my friends on Facebook, and I read all the negativity and drama they post, and absorb it into my life and mind, then I AM accountable and responsible for the drama in my life.  If I allow the rumors and what others say and think of me to invade my thoughts and attitude , then I AM responsible for the drama and negativity in my life.

You see there will always be immature people in the world, people who have nothing better to do than create drama and chaos wherever they go.  They will always relish in stirring the pot of discontention then stand back and watch the drama unfold like All My Children on television. There will always be people who are unhappy with themselves and their lives, who will seek to point out the strengths in others that they wish they had, as something negative or weak.  However, only you are responsible for what you allow into your mind and thoughts.

You do not have to be friends on Facebook with those people, you do not have to subscribe to their version of Gossip Digest, allowing what they say about you to frustrate you.   You do not have to allow their behavior to irritate you. You can however, guard your heart and mind ensuring that you do not take their immaturity and misguided social paths of destruction on as negativity in your life.

Simply unfriend them on Facebook and realize that you have the power to release YOURSELF from the negativity and drama. The question is will you?  I have I have deleted all the drama off of my facebook page, after all my Facebook page is for me to connect with people I like, to socialize with those I value in my life, not for others to drop crap into my life.  I refuse to be moved by the ugly of others, I have found peace in my new found freedom.

Look at it this way…if there was a pile of feces on the sidewalk, would you pick it up, put it in your pocket, and allow it to stink up your life?  I would hope not.  Then why would you allow someone else’s ugly to stink up your life?

Snap Shots of a Year

Here I sit on a Friday night, listening to four teenage boys in the living room playing video games, working on moving years worth of pictures from my old lap top to a hard drive and my mac book.  

It must be done and I have put it off for well over a year.  I knew I needed to relocate the pictures before the laptop finally gave up the ghost, and today I was looking for pictures from a CPO event in early 2012, so I figured I would kill two birds with one stone.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I take entirely too many pictures, and today I realize this more than ever.  I have 20 pictures of my kids in almost the same pose because I put that camera on sports mode and go for broke, always in search of the priceless picture.  It annoys me when I have to search through the countless photos to picture the perfect one.

However, today as I worked on transferring the final months of 2011 and the beginning of 2012, I am grateful for every picture I took during this time.  The reason for this is that if it were not for these pictures I would not have one lucid memory of this time period.  I was so emotionally crippled by the loss of my mother I in no way filed these memories in my memory bank.  Now you can look at these pictures and see my physical presence and even my smile, but I cannot without the aid of these photographs remember these events.

As I look back over the photos I am grateful that I have them, and I am again reminded first of the impact that such a loss can have on your life, and second how your mind and heart protect themselves when you go into crisis mode.  

It also causes me to think, what other life events I might have missed out of because of my grief, or during other times when I was carrying some stress or emotionally challenging situation.  Do I have pictures of every little thing that I missed?  Thinking of how precious life is and how easy it can be overlooked because of extenuating circumstance that affect on how you see your surroundings.

Looking particularly at the photos we took the week of my mom’s funeral, you can see the strain on our faces, even in the smiles.  Some may find the photos of us at my Uncle Bobby’s lake shooting guns a bit strange for my family.  However, they tell a story.  From the first picture where you see my sister and niece walking down the road to the lake to the last group photo, you see my family’s strength and perseverance.  You see my Uncle Bobbie and Aunt Kris are my parents closest friends and my Uncle took my mom’s passing very hard, and he was amazing in knowing that my family needed to get out of the house.  He knew that the break from death was what we needed.  That we needed an activity that would encompass us all, that would get us together outside away from the stress and pain of grief.  So he loaded us all up, drove us to the forest, and gave us guns!  And it worked….we all shot that gun from the youngest to oldest.  We bonded and laughed over bullets and targets, we took deep breaths of fresh air, and we felt a little something outside of grief.  The whole week was the longest of my life, but also the most amazing.  I love the people in those pictures with my whole heart and I am thankful for the strength and unity that you see in those photos. 

I am thankful tonight for my almost unexplainable desire to have my camera every where I go taking pictures of everyday occurrences, because without that desire I would have totally lost a year of my life

.

Seasons

Ecclesiastes

 3:1-8 

There is a time for everything, 
 and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2 

    A time to be born and a time to die, 
 a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 

    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 

    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 

    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6 

    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 

    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 

    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

I promise I know God's word is true and you can read a passage a thousand times in your life and one time it may not touch your heart, another time it may correct you, and yet another it may heal you.  It never ceases to amaze me how the Word can be right on time every time to everyone.

The above scripture spoke to my heart this morning, as I was reflecting on Becca leaving for college (to be honest I think of little else). I came to two conclusions that brought me this scripture.

The first being that even though I already have a child that lives all the way across the ocean from Guam in Hawaii I am facing Becca leaving with a great deal of emotion.  It has occurred to me that normally when your first child goes off to college you begin a season in your life of transition from having all your children living at home to the beginning of the empty nest season of your life. My transition from one season of my life to the next should have began last year, however, my life was in such an emotional and physical upheaval with the passing of my mom, the move to Guam, Joshua graduating from high school, and Brittany moving out all of my emotions and transitions ran together and just caused me to be overwhelmed to the point where none of them were allowed to work them selves out or for the transitions to occur.  Through out the last year they have become unraveled (as I have:-)) and started to work themselves out.  But this final one has proven itself to be most painful.

Maybe it's because she is my youngest daughter and her leaving will leave me the sole female in the house of testosterone.  Maybe its because she understands me like none of my other children. But mostly its because I have began a monumental transition in my life.  I am entering a new season, a bit behind schedule, but as the Word says there is a time for each season in our lives.  

The arrival of her flight itinerary to Hawaii caused a night of tears and sleeplessness.  All night as I sobbed I ran a running picture show in my mind of her childhood and all of the things we did or did not do.  Did I prepare her enough to be independent?  Did she feel loved and supported everyday of her life?  Is she ready?  How am I going to walk away from her at that airport and let her get on that plane that will carry her thousands of miles and an ocean away from me? Who will take care of her if she is sick?  All of these thoughts ran through my head as tears ran down my face.

But this morning I am faced with the Truth, that this season was promised to me when I was born, when they were born, and when they give birth to their own children it will live on.  That this is ordained to be and that it is a good, natural, and healthy thing.  I will find my victory and healing in this and the fact that my God is her God and He has made her a promise in Jeremiah 29:11 1 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Not only has God promised me I will have seasons in my life, but He has made her promises that He intends to keep.  

Now I promise you I am still going to cry for the next couple of weeks, but as the scripture says there is a time for my tears and they will not last forever, they will simply serve as a tool that will assist me in transitioning from one season to another.